


Wanting (Always)

by fudgecakez



Category: IU (Musician), K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cheating, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Implied Consent, Implied Sexual Content, Jeon Jungkook Is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Moral Ambiguity, Morally Ambiguous Character, jikook - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 13:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17002374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fudgecakez/pseuds/fudgecakez
Summary: “You're a horrible person,” said a small voice. “You know that, right?” Jungkook could practicallyhearthat sickly-sweet smile -mockinghim.“You know what?” A breathy chuckle escaped him as he ran a shaky hand through his black hair. “You're just as horrible as I am.”x ~ x ~ x ~ x[Rated T for implied sexual content and mature themes]





	Wanting (Always)

**Author's Note:**

> "[text]" - speech  
>   
>  _"[text]"_ \- thought  
>   
>  **[text]** \- sound  
>   
> '[text]' or _'[text]'_ \- quotes (from within the story or otherwise)  
>   
> blond - Jimin  
>   
> brunette - Jieun

 

The world stood static.

 

The stars were no longer visible in the dusky night sky, but the outlines of the landscape were still discernible if you looked hard enough. It didn't take too long for the midnight blue to transition into a colour that looked somewhere in between a shadowed indigo and pearlescent cobalt - the first signs of the sun waking from its slumber.

 

The city was silent.

 

Streets were empty and void of all activity: a vast contrast from the obnoxious cussing and loud honking during the afternoon hours; the unsavory noises when faceless men and women would maneuver themselves through the thick crowds. They found that it was much easier than being stuck behind the wheel of an unmoving car.

 

Nothing moved unless it had to.

 

Every heated gaze and hushed whisper was scarfed down; every lingering touch and word exchanged was smothered by the very air they breathed; every sharp pant and muffled moan melted and seeped into the surface.

 

For secrets can never be contained.

 

Because just like the hills,

 

The walls have eyes, too.

 

The curtain’s generous folds suddenly flared up: fabric beating back on itself continuously as gusts of wind tore past its fibers. The rude intrusion broke the hanging stillness but the sudden disturbance wasn't unwelcome.

 

If anything, it felt nice against his skin, glistening with a thick sheen of sweat.

 

He heaved out a sigh, finally cracking his eyelids open for the first time since both of them had given into their exhaustion and fallen back onto the bed with his muscles aching yet, mind whirling with possibilities for more.

_“Chilly.”_

 

He clenched his jaw, eyes following one of the revolving blades of the ceiling fan. He shifted uncomfortably, biting down on the inside of his cheek and sighing once more as his lips parted slightly. The reality was beginning to set in as the high gradually wore off. He was being dragged back, forcefully. Like he always was.

 

Every.

_Single._

 

Time.

 

And as always, he didn't want to deal with it _(not yet)._

 

However, you don't always get what you want:

 

“You're a horrible person,” said a small voice. “You know that, right?” Jungkook could practically  _hear_ that sickly-sweet smile - _mocking_ him.

 

He didn't even need to look.

 

He could already imagine the blond laying on his front; the loose silk sheet draped over his form graciously to accentuate the dip in the small of his back and then the rise of a perfectly sculpted behind.

 

He could already imagine the smooth, creamy skin almost blending in with the white of the sheets, and yet, still managing to  _glow_  in the dark of their room.

 

He could already imagine the blond hair tousled and sticking out in all places, reminding him of their earlier ministrations: of the touches that sent electricity bolting up his spine: of the touches that drew out the most sinful of sounds from the most sinful of lips, of the touches that left his fingertips warm and aching - wanting to explore  _further_  and venture  _deeper_ into these restricted territories.

 

Jungkook didn't smile.

 

Again, Jimin repeated, “You're a horrible person,” as if Jungkook needed another reminder, “You know that right?”

 

He didn't want to face the truth of the matter right  _now._

 

He could deal with it  _later._

 

He always did.

 

“You know what?” His hold on Jimin's wrist was harsh as he pulled the man to himself - his grasp was cold but his gaze even colder. Jungkook stared intensely into the brown orbs he'd come to know all-too-well by now; the eyes that voiced the words he'd never say - could never say.

_“Why?”_ they always seemed to ask him.

_"Why?”_ wasa question that ran through his mind way too often, ever since their first time together - months ago.

_"Why?"_ to which now, months later, he still didn't have a solid answer.

 

“You know what?” A breathy chuckle escaped him as he ran a shaky hand through his black hair. “You know what?” The third time earned him that bemused look _(as always)._

“You're just as horrible as I am.”

 

**x ~ x ~ x ~ x**

 

Jungkook sighed, glancing down at his watch for the umpteenth time.

_“16:23.”_

 

They were supposed to meet here about half an hour ago, but there was still no sign of her. He checked his phone; no texts, either.

 

He sighed - something he caught himself doing quite a lot that day - leaning his weight against a lamppost as he crossed his arms over his chest. Squinting into the summer sun, he couldn't help but think back to the blond's contoured cheekbones - the highlight so intensely apparent - the glistening sheen of gloss on those plump lips and the upward curve of his mouth that made small crinkles appear at the corner of his eyes.

_“Ethereal.”_

_(And all his.)_

 

“Ah!” A sudden voice broke him out of his trance; a petite young woman was trying to make her way over to him, murmuring small apologies and shooting apologetic glances to any passerby she'd so much as bump elbows with. “I'm so sorry for being this late!” It was followed up by a deep bow and an explaination about how she'd lost track of time while doing research for a class project.

 

He cocked an eyebrow in Jieun's direction.

 

Of what?

 

Dismissal?

 

Displeasure?

 

Disappointment?

 

All of the above?

 

“Don't worry about it,” he shrugged, nonchalantly, grinning at her with a calm disposition, offhandedly showing his pearly whites. “I didn't wait long.” He stuffed his hands into the front pockets of his varsity jacket, “In fact, I just got here myself.” His stance was casual and wide-footed as he pushed himself off the pole, “So don't worry about it.”

 

She straightened up, her shoulders visibly relaxing and a softer - much kinder - version of his smile appeared on her face.

 

“Let's go?” He offered and she nodded, linking her arm with his.

 

As they made their way down the street, he wondered how they looked to an average passerby. Like two youngsters wasting away their youth, trying to jumpstart a car manufactured with technical flaws? At least, that's how he saw it. Walking down the side of the road, he realized she was going on about something that happened in one of her morning classes (while he was still in bed with Jimi—)

_It didn't bother him, though._

 

Her plain t-shirt was tucked inside, hugging her curves so elegantly. Her frame was small and her waist was slim, but she carried her tiny body with such confidence that one couldn't help but gape in awe.

_It was endearing, in its own sort._

 

Her straight, silky hair was brushed so neatly and her bangs were settled so professionally – secured behind her ear - that it almost made him doubt her excuses for being late.

_He could tolerate it._

 

A silver pendant hung around her slender neck the chain dangling past those inviting collarbones. The charm stood frighteningly similar to the one he'd gifted her on Valentine's - just a few months prior.

_Today was an exception._

 

“—That okay with you?” His head snapped up but his eyes lingered on the necklace for a while longer and the brunette chuckled at his behavior, her arm loosening around his as she began leading him past the people that crowded the streets. She stopped after a while, and exclaimed, “Here!” She tugged him forward and he willingly gave in. A bell chimed as she pushed the door open and the smell of roasted cocoa immediately wafted up their nostrils. “Smells nice, doesn't it?”

 

She dragged them both to one of the smaller tables by the front window. The cafe was nice; had a rather homey atmosphere and apart from the faint buzz of conversation around, the only other detectable sound was the occasional **_tap_** _s_  on the oak-wood floor.

 

“Order whatever you like- I'll pay,” he gave Jieun a smile and got a much more enthusiastic one in return. And that was all he said before a waitress scampered over with menus and a never-ending list of recommendations on the tip of her tongue.

 

With one elbow propped up on the table and chin resting in the palm of his hand, he stared outside the window at the passerby's hustling past each other to return to their respective houses and loved ones - their day finally concluding.

 

His, though, seemed to be continuous.

 

Maybe, it was a repetitive cycle?

 

Maybe, this was his punishment.

 

There were hints of tangerine edging at the horizon, now and he wondered how much time had passed. Not too much, right? They'd only just met up at the junction a few moments ago after all. But he wasn't complaining; only an idiot would waste even more second whining while in the company of one of the finest girls on the entire campus.

 

He watched her sink her teeth into her plush bottom lip in an attempt to hide her nervousness. Staring into her porcelain-like orbs, he marveled at how the gods had taken their time in sculpting her face out of alabaster.

 

She was pretty (and there was no denying it).

 

But there was more to her than what met the eye.

 

Those luscious lips that sent men into a state of sensual intoxication only blazed red because of how badly she bruised them on a daily basis, and those eyes that seemed to hold nothing but the truth, were actually hazed over, displaying only her searing devotion to him.

 

She was pretty and there was no denying it.

 

(But there was more to her than what met the eye.)

 

“Hey,” her tone was always so soft. “Everything alright?” Voice, like a melody. “You seem out of it today.” Jieun's hand came to rest on his, running the pad of her thumb gently over his knuckles. The tender gesture was  _anything_  but soothing to him. “ _Distracted_ is more the word I'm looking for.”

 

Jungkook begged to differ. It was the unspoken rule he was to follow: for him to focus on her, and only her because his sole attention was the one thing he could offer her in their times together. However, it didn't sting when she questioned it.

 

She wasn't wrong.

 

_‘Once you've tasted the taste of the sky, you will forever look up’._ He was really taking the quote out of context but could you really blame him? It was hard to settle for anything less once you know what it's like to be touched by an angel - an angel with blond locks and delicate hands that mapped out his body, memorizing its dips and arches, by heart.

 

“Gukkie...” Her rosy lips curved upwards and adoration glittered on her face, “I love you.” A part of him was infuriated with how carelessly she tossed the words out.

 

He didn't have any right to be: he couldn't even return the feelings with the same passion.

 

“I love you,” she repeated and he saw how her smile faltered for half a millisecond. It made him consider lying, but then he realized… he already was (he didn't want her confessions). “So please know that I'll always be here if you need me, alright?” She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze but it did nothing to calm his heavy, dirty soul.

 

This is what he agreed to be _(why?)._ This is they were (are):

 

The infatuated couple soon to be stepping over the half-year mark;

 

A dynamic duo that one couldn't help but blindly dote over;

 

Sweethearts who were so painstakingly in _love_  with each other that people missed out on just one, tiny detail; it takes two to actually be  _in_ love.

 

**_Tick._ **

 

He sucked in a sharp breath and leaned back in his chair, not hesitating to pull his hand out from underneath hers.

 

**_Tock._ **

 

He didn't reply but started counting down the seconds instead because, maybe, he realized the consequences of his actions - what he'd been doing to a woman whose only intention was to love him.

 

None of this was fair to Jieun. And maybe ( _just maybe)_ the first seeds of guilt finally nestled themselves deep into the pits of his stomach.

 

**x ~ x ~ x ~ x**

 

Jimin _cringed_ into Jungkook’s touch and his voice was strained - sounding as if the man’s very _presence_ brought him extreme agony - when he asked, “Why?”

 

_"Why?"_ The question bounced off the walls that shielded not his head but, the crux of his entity and thus, making an even bigger impact as it echoed throughout his being.

 

_"Why?"_ what?

 

_Why_ was he so persistent?

 

_Why_ was he so adamant?

 

_Why_ was he so insistent on having _Jimin?_

Or perhaps... why his hands weren't _grabby_ and _dominating;_ why his gaze wasn't _sharp_ and _cutting_. For once, Jungkook was intent on taking his time: tracing the blond out, _familiarizing_ himself with the smaller body caged by his own. It was a new concept to them - to Jimin (to a relationship like theirs).

 

_And it left him burning._

Jungkook's warm breath came out damp against the crook of the male's neck. “Have I ever told you…” He started with no intention of continuing, lips ghosting along Jimin's milky skin - still light _(still shy)._

_He wanted this._

Jungkook caught Jimin’s earlobe, biting it gently, before pressing into the hair right above his ear and moving _right_ back down.

 

_But it was so bad._

Jungkook's hands trailed up the blond's side - efficiently lifting his shirt up along the way - and all Jimin wanted to do was shout: _“Kiss me.”_

Jungkook’s pulse was thrumming in his fingertips as they slid down to press into Jimin's hipbone and all the blond wanted to do was yank the man closer: “ _Touch me more.”_

Jungkook’s thumb tapped irregularly against Jimin's bare skin and made the blonde want to push the man away from himself: _“Stop stalling, dammit.”_

His mouth wasn't _marking,_

His grip wasn't _bruising,_

And his voice wasn't _commanding,_

_This wasn't right._

“Why?” It almost came out as a squeak; a cry, a call for help from anyone - _anyone_ but Jungkook. The man Jimin _knew_ secretly relished in every broken sob that slipped through his quivering lips. The man who he _knew_ was fully aware of how _wrong_ all this was. “Just tell me _why,_ please, just this _one_ time, please, just let me _know_ so I—“

 

Jimin’s last few words, despite remaining unsaid, had already etched themselves deep into the whitewashed walls behind them.

 

Those few last words, despite remaining stuck in the back of his throat, proved that even the most virtuous of fallen-angels, once, lost their wings _because of their own rapacious motivations._

Jungkook kissed the taut skin of the blond's collarbones, “You're so beautiful _(so much more than her)._ ”

It was the want to _have,_ the desire to _own,_ and the greed to _possess_ the _crème de la crème._

 

Why?

 

Because pretty things liked even prettier things - decorated with lilac-scented perfumes and rose-colored garnishes.

 

He wanted it.

 

So he took it.

 

And now it belonged to him _(his and his only)._

_This_ was the immorality he managed to cloak-up so efficiently behind those soft murmurs of ‘you're so beautiful’.

 

But not effectively enough as the truth still managed to ooze out from his pores; the hints of the subtle propositions still escaped his lungs. And the walls seized their opportunity to gulp it all down as _testimonies_ for anyone who looked hard enough. They showed just how _profane_ mankind's mindset really was (is).

 

Jimin pressed his lips into a thin line, arms wrapped around Jungkook’s torso. His eyes momentarily closed in a futile attempt to conceal _just_ how conflicted he was; not being able to decide what to make of all this - much less, how to _feel_ about it.

 

_Imagine not being able to pinpoint your own emotions._

But by the way Jungkook's teeth grazed at his jaw, Jimin wasn't _allowed_ to think rationally; the way Jungkook dragged his lips down the curve of Jimin's neck and stopped midway, placing an open-mouthed kiss on his throat... he _couldn't_ think: not with the way Jungkook had his tiny frame caged between his forearms; not with the way his lips conformed into a smirk when he heard Jimin’s audible gulp.

 

Not when the blond _knew_ what Jungkook was playing at.

 

Even if they play the very same game every.

 

_Single_.

 

Time.

 

Testing the waters and giving Jimin the _illusion_ that _yes,_ he had his hands on the steering wheel and that _yes_ , he had the liberty of _choosing_ what was to happen next when in fact, there _were_ no _options_ because this wasn't _a multiple-choice question._

They were already immersed too deep to haul themselves back out, or maybe, it was just the matter of weak will. So he let the taller man win.

 

(As always.)

 

“Come inside.”

 

**x ~ x ~ x ~ x**

 

‘The first seeds of guilt finally nestled themselves deep into the pits of his stomach’? So? What did he expect to happen? Petals of a blooming flower eventually prying into his heart?

 

Absolute nonsense.

 

No flower would _ever_ be able to survive in an atmosphere as polluted and a system as toxic as the one inside him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to [FeebleHearts](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/9784440/) for beta-reading this for me. You guys should definitely check them out!
> 
> Please do leave comments and Kudos if you enjoyed and thank you for reading ^^


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